Thursday, April 26, 2012

More self indulgence.

I decided to copy Jen and make a rambly video.

It's kind of awkward and I'm also kind of superficial in places and the lighting sucks and I don't like my voice. My inner editor needs to shut up sometimes.


P.S. I promise I will shape up soon in terms of writing legitimate posts.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

A post by another curly-haired person.

My neighbour, Irit, wrote a cute guest post.
My post frequency should increase as soon as I sort out some of my time-management issues.
For now, enjoy the never-tired topic of surviving the zombie apocalypse!
Hello, readers of blogs. My name is Irit, I am Gabi's neighbor, and I am writing for you today.

A little about me:
I am a female. I have curly hair. I have a fat cat and some other family members. I have too many voices in my head than the number recommended by the large majority of psychiatrists.

But enough about me and on to the topic of today's post: Zombie Apocalypse 101

1. First things first, movies and the internet have suggested that the safest place to go when the zombie apocalypse comes is underground. This is not true. For one, zombies can dig. And second, you, hidden in the insulation of the earth, won't be able to hear enemies coming. Therefore, the safest place to go is above ground; the higher the better. Mountains are a good option, as you have gravity in your favour. Outer space is another good option.

2. Another misrepresentation from movies is that a gun is a great zombie apocalypse weapon. In these movies, of course, people who have never picked up a gun before are perfect shots, and bullets never hit the good guys. Unless you can actually shoot a gun, use a baseball bat, which has infinite ammo and never need to be recharged.

3. People often say not to make out in the woods during a zombie apocalypse, but I'm here to tell you that under special circumstances (i.e. your partner is a ninja) you can.

4. Don't be the comic relief, you guys never end well.

5. And lastly, if you readers are in great need of food, go to my Aunt Debbie's house: her freezer is filled with lasagnas.

Thank you, random humans, for letting me waste 3 minutes of your life.


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I've decided to work harder.

Ze Frank is probably the coolest person ever.
Transcript here. It's a bit off, but oh well.

Anyways, I've never really had to work for decent grades. But now school is getting difficult and the probability of my achieving my dreams of being a medical doctor are getting further away so I have to light a fire under my ass.



P.S. This isn't going to last, eh?

Monday, April 9, 2012

Yes, Mom! Of course I'm writing my history essay!

     Passover seems like a peaceful holiday. Jewish families get together on the first night* to gorge themselves on heavy, yeastless food, learning about their history as a people and singing repetitive songs. This is all a fa├žade. Beneath the cover of the tipsy adults and the children showing off their tolerance for horseradish, there is a war.

     It is not a particularly ferocious war. It has been going on for generations, yet many of the combatants do not realize. There have not been any casualties as a direct result of the conflicts, although there have been many unpleasant cases of constipation.

This wise son does not realize
he is about to lose a friend.
     By those "in the know," it is called The Matzah War. Like many (even most) wars, it is divided into two armies. Haters of the yeastless flatbread make up one faction, lovers the other. People end up on sides regardless of family, friends, or religious sect. Pairs of Jewish buddies, united right before the holiday of freedom, are often wrenched apart when days of matzah and cream cheese gratify one and drive the other insane.

     If neither feels strongly about the issue, rest assured one will by day four, when, for some, the desire to consume leavened products becomes all-consuming. Research by scientists at institutes which are most  definitely legitimate** discovered that in many people, the chemical imbalance caused by the lack of fluffy foods (and the prevalence of overly fluffy matzah balls) leads to increased levels of anger, tendencies towards schlumpiness, and all around kvetching. "The grumpiness and complaints can really alienate friends," says Moishe Steiner, a veteran of many Passovers.
Don't even think about
digesting this.

     Many matzah lovers have tried and failed to ease the symptoms in the attempt to make Passover pleasant for all. Matzah bagels, matzah brei, and matzah pizza only temporarily relieve the stress, resulting in feelings of inadequacy on the part of the matzah lovers, who retaliate famous guilt-inducing skills. When failures such as Passover cereal and passover spaghetti arise, the vengeance is even worse.

     The Jews are no longer slaves in Egypt, but they are still enslaved to their taste buds. All we can do is hope for a change in Jewish attitudes and a less cardboard-like tomorrow.

*The first two nights for people who don't live in Israel.
**And what chutzpah for wondering! Be a mensch.


Nu, what? I was feeling Jewish-y today. I apologize if nobody gets it.

Here are some definitions.
Matzah - The flat, crackery sort of thing that Jewish people eat on Passover. Its only ingredients are flour and water. You can tell. 
-- balls - round pieces of doughish stuff put into soup. They range from chewy to mind-bogglingly fluffy.
-- bagels - these do not really taste like bagels. They are things in the shape of deflated bagels. They taste like cardboard, but chewier.
--brei - softened and fried matzah, with eggs and milk. Usually a breakfast food.
Chutzpah - Obnoxiousness. Sometimes a compliment. In this case not.
Mensch - Gentleman. Polite and considerate.
Schlumpiness - My weird conjugation of the word shlump, which means sloppy person.
Kvetching - Complaining, whining.

Happy Passover or Easter to everybody. If it's your birthday, happy birthday as well. (Or anniversary, half-birthday, unbirthday, etc.)